Have you ever looked at your partner and wanted to scream at him?
Why don’t you just hold me? Why don’t you just hug me?!
Help me stop this anger now and I will snap out of it. HUG ME?!
And instead a string of angry words cascade out. “
You start off admirably in conversational mode when raising a HOT TOPIC … chit-chat mode…. but when you don’t get your desired response (which is generally a hug and reassurance) you step it up and rage sets in.
All he has to do is simply step forward and embrace you (not do that mute, I am zoning-out face-thing they do) .
If this sounds familiar, you are NOT ALONE!
Anger is a really common feeling.
Unfortunately guys are NOT wired to help us in our Angry Moments and we have to learn to manage it ourselves.
This is one time when relying on our man to assist us and HELP US is futile.
The part of the male brain that deals with conflict starts to wind down when your face starts to become tense.
Like tigers sensing a stampede or impending doom, the mere man retreats stealthily, quickly and gingerly.
GUYS RETREAT WHEN WE ARE ANGRY
Apparently the flood of hormones guys receive to their memory and speaking centre shuts it down.
Limited blood flow leads to no words being spoken (up they clam up), a muted expression on their faces, and absolutely no recollection of the past.
Unfortunately for us dear females, our same memory centre and speaking centre gets bombarded with blood flow so memories of past hurts bubble up, our speech seems to roller-skate away from our lips and we almost can’t stop ourselves. Sometimes the beast within roars without warning.
What drives our anger? Why does it happen and what can you do?
Anger in women may be caused by any or all of the following:
** a hormone imbalance (typically testosterone, estrogen or cortisol)
** a food reaction (gluten, a sugar crash, chemicals or additives)
** sugar surge (Insulin and testosterone compete for the same receptor sites so they affect each other. This is one reason why alcohol can lead to increased aggression)
** stress (when we are stressed we are on alert. We are also biologically in fight or flight mode and stress hormones can make us ROAR if needed)
** fatigue (do you know when you just get so tired you can barely cope and one thing out of place or not done right leads to the fall of ROME? )
** or a values conflict.
And sometimes people simple annoy us.
All of these causes will lead to a hormone imbalance. And it is the hormone imbalance that leads to the rage and uncontrollable anger.
Now some women reading this might not have “anger” or “rage” per say but will claim to be irritable.
Being irritable is the pot hole before the cliff face. Take note of it.
” All of these causes lead to hormone imbalances.”
Whilst there are many causes for outbursts, irritability and anger, all lead to a hormone imbalance with the main one being testosterone.
Testosterone makes us fiercely aggressive and brings out strong survival feelings. Estrogen, cortisol and a few others can make us moody but nothing enrages a woman like high testosterone.
This is a clip I did last year about high testosterone in women and typical changes you will notice or feel. It’s a bit “teacher like” but it will give you an idea of other symptoms high testosterone.
Will Managing Your Testosterone Levels Help You Manage Your Anger?
Good news – yes it does.
These are my ANGRY to PLACID 3 step process:
1. Learn about testosterone and how hormones affect you.
Understand what drives this beast. Find out why 84% of women feel they have a hormone imbalance and why PMS can be deadly.
In 2009 I wrote a best seller on this topic called Beauty and the Beast Within. You can download the ebook version here.
When I wrote my book,I didn’t realise that ALL women feel and respond the same in certain situations.
If you make us feel under threat, we will roar. Make us stressed and we will roar. Feed us sugar and we will roar.
Reading the book has helped many women understand their hormones, why their body responds how it does and the best thing is that the book only takes 3-4 hours to read!
2. Boost Your Happy Hormones
I have found that trying times and circumstances pop up in life ALL the time.
It’s hard to predict what is around the corner. How rested you are, how relaxed you are and how hormonally balanced you are, go a long way to helping you avoid an anger burst in the first place. Our relaxed hormones oxytocin, acetylcholine, progesterone and others dopamine, serotonin) help us feel pleasure, security and calm.
If you are low on these, or are not promoting their release ever day through certain activities, you are more likely to feel irritated and angry.
I talk about these hormones more in other posts but if you can do just one thing, each day for yourself that lasts more than 30 minutes, you are on track. I call these green light activities and they release the previous mentioned hormones and drop the stress ones.
Activities such as walking, yoga, going to the beach, drawing, reading, sex, gardening, cooking etc can ALL be relaxing activities. Find a few you like and give yourself permission to do them every day.
Breathing in nature regularly defuses anger
3. Permission to breathe
Breathe, pause, take yourself away from the scene… do anything and try to buy time. Often as time elapses so does the anger outburst.
Avoid adding more testosterone on the fire. These things can make anger worse but boosting insulin and testosterone: alcohol, chocolate, lollies, more stress etc… Instead try to retreat to a quiet place to regoup.
When your feel sufficient time has lapsed and you are feeling under control return calmly.
The hardest thing to do it control an outburst, so really try to perfect eh first two steps. Educate yourself to possible causes (step 1), (order a saliva test if you need), order my book, talk to others, then eliminate causes.
Try to boost your happy hormones by giving yourself permission every day to do something FUN and REWARDING!
And lastly breathe through any anger spells and remove yourself from further harm.
If this does resonate with you and you have tried the above but are still struggling to nail it, I can help you in my health coaching clinic.